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12 entries this month
Discoveries20:12 Mar 31 2008
Times Read: 963
I'm learning that right now I have very little patience for stupidity or people that just want to act up. My hold on my temper is frail and I fear loosing it a lot. Understand I don't like being angry matter of fact I truly hate it along with the fighting and hurt that comes with it. But it seems I'm overly sensitive right now at least for my normal way of handling things.
Watching my behavior constantly to stop before I do or say something I wouldn't normally do is getting on my nerves but I don't know any other way to handle it. I mean I got behind a fellow on the road the other day and it's a 2 lane road with a 55mph speed limit. It's clear and dry but he's only doing 40mph until we finally get to a passing zone where nothing is coming and when I move over to pass him he speeds up until I was caught by another oncoming car and had to fall back behind him again, then he slows right back down. I so wanted to lay down on the horn and introduce him to my 3rd finger while riding his bumper so close he'd see the pissed off expression on my face. Not Cool! Yes he was a jerk but the behavior I wanted to act out would have been much worse, a dangerous jerk isn't the response I ever want to give to another driver's mistakes. But that's just one in dozens of instances where I am so close to flying off the handle that I scare myself.
Grief takes time, I've been down this road before and know the turns but I don't have to like them or find it easy.
My family and friends have been very wonderful both in real life and online which has been a true blessing. There are not enough words to ever thank them all enough.
23:03 Mar 22 2008
Times Read: 978
I don't have any real ideal of what I'm writing or wanting to write at this moment just that I feel the need to let some of this spill out of me. This has been the hardest week I have ever experienced. My father died 20 years ago but I didn't have to deal with all the arrangements that time it was shared with my Mom and 3 brothers and sisters. This time it was just my sister and I as one brother lives out of town and couldn't come right away. (I suspect he was having to work his way up to coming home to face the loss of mom) the other brother decided this was the time to throw a hissy childish fit and toss away his family. His choice and his loss and we've moved on since he direspected our mother so horribly and though he agreed to help make the arrangements he then refused to even help set the time for the funeral. Piss on him, I'm tired of being the one to have taken care of mom so many years giving up much of my life and most of my freedom to do so while he did whatever he wanted and pursued any interest or traveled as he chose. Then when I needed his help to make simple decisions to ensure the proper respect was shown to Mom, he acts as he did and refused to come to the visitation or funeral. Hell he went to work while the rest of us were at the visitation making sure everything was just as Mom would have wanted it. I've decided I don't want to deal with him anytime soon. I did everything I was supposed to or was asked to and then when it comes to the crunch he bails. I may allow him back into my life in the future but not until I'm in a much better frame of mind.
The Rat and Birdy saved my sanity and health over the last week, keeping myself and my sister going even when we fell down. I cannot begin to explain how much they did or how much I and my family appreciated them. Even if one of my uncles decided Rat and I were "partners" lol
Awful Pain08:25 Mar 18 2008
Times Read: 1,020
Mom was feeling sickly today but I couldn't get her to go to the doctor or the hospital or anything really but fuss with me. I wasn't able to sleep tonight because I was worried about her so I sat with her and near midnight she would no longer respond to me. An ambulance ride later to the ER and she's dead of a heart attack. I cannot believe how much this hurts even though I knew she had emphysema and it could get bad I thought I'd have more warning than this. She felt no pain they say and probably doesn't remember anything since this evening when we were talking about tomorrow.
My darling Rat came to the hospital and hugged me and my sis and helped us get home. She also did the one thing I just couldn't make myself do and that's let down the recliner that mom was sitting in (and did all the time) that the ambulance folks lifted her out of and left up. I just couldn't face that but Kay did it for me. I finally had to make her leave and try to sleep a little since she's got a very early job today.
My aunt and uncle came in just then so she did promising to come back as soon as she gets back to town. An hour later and they finally go home, my uncle is going to contact the preacher mom would have wanted and get that arranged for us. My sister and I will go to the funeral home about 11 and pick out the casket and music and stuff. My elder brother is making arrangements to get home asap.
Now I'm alone in the house we shared and it's very quiet with the oxygen machines turned off and the tv Mom always listend to so quiet. What the hell am I doing here you ask? I wanted to put this all out of my head so maybe just maybe I'll sleep a bit because there's an awful lot of things to do tomorrow and all I really want to do is cry.
Fun time02:56 Mar 15 2008
Times Read: 1,044
Love the new vamp box it's awesome even if I still have a few bugs with it when I use it but I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.
Met up with a bunch of friends there tonight and spent a couple of hours (wow) in the box having fun and stirring up trouble. lol Some folks would come into the box while about 7 or 8 of us where talking hot and heavy and yes several of them were admin's but they were there just like me, talking with friends and checking out the new box.
A couple of folks came in watched a minute or two then got a bit nasty claiming the admins were abusing their power and doing things they wouldn't let anyone else do. I'm sorry but I was there for the whole conversation and they were not. The conversation was fast at times very silly but in no way abusive toward anyone in anyway. The members could have joined in and been made welcome if they had wanted to but instead tried to be mean. I don't get it, we were having fun and hurting no one. I think the new private room function might be the way to go from now on when we want to have fun but then others cannot look over and see their friends playing and join in. :(
A very good time01:30 Mar 14 2008
Times Read: 1,071
I came out of lurking tonight since I have been in way too long wanting to get my head together and be a good person to talk to and finally tonight I felt whole. So I peeked out and sure enough I got to talk to some of the greatest people in the world, some old friends a couple of new folks talked with me and it just felt so darn good. lol
Thanks everyone but especially Radu and LadyKrystylnDarkstar, you make me remember just why I love this site so much.
Quiet tonight02:53 Mar 13 2008
Times Read: 1,088
I've had a fairly quiet night and spent a lot of time reading through some of my favorite journals. Catching up with friends is more like it as I have followed most of these for a year or more.
I still think there are some amazing minds here on VR, personalities that awe me and tickle my funny bone a lot. I am in a quiet place myself right now and finding little to inspire me but not really down either. Just floating along with no oars or motor seems to fit me at this time.
I see there are flare ups around the rave with seems like a lot of the same people stirring up trouble "again". I don't get the joy they find from messing with other peoples lives or happiness or even doing their jobs.
Makes me want to be able to grab them and shake them and say "you agreed to the rules when you signed up- live with it or leave!" or on the other hand slap them silly and tell them to grow up and quit acting like a 3 year old. lol
Probably a real good thing we don't have virtual computers yet, can you imagine a hand suddenly flying out from your screen to slap your face for being an ignorant ass? Oh yea we need to invent one of those- not!
Not Cool01:15 Mar 11 2008
Times Read: 1,108
Was reading through some of my favorite journals and chanced to glance at the vamp box and find the following comment posted twice.
XXXXXXX: actually Im trying to figure out if this girl in my neighborhood is mature enough n pretty enough for a relationship or at least a good bang or two.
Any way I read it I find it offensive but it's probably just my age showing.
Strange day20:39 Mar 10 2008
Times Read: 1,120
I tried posting to a thread a few minutes ago only to be refused and told I had to be of level 2 mosquito before I could post to the forum. I blinked a couple of times and looked again at my information, yep still says sire. lol So I clicked out of the forums and then back and tried again and it worked fine but for a moment I thought I'd been judged unworthy and sent back to start over.
In a way I wish I could recapture the idealism I began on the site with thinking I'd make some interesting friends and have some interesting discussions. Yes that did happen and I'm thrilled with my friends and the things I've learned since I joined. I still miss the competition of the games but it's just the way people behaved that caused the problems. Too bad since all they did was hurt other members.
I'm back in my house today and very happy to be home though I had a wonderful time visiting my friends in the Coven of Covert Correctitude but home is home. I am back with all the fan fare my friends there could give me but I do have to wonder what I'll need to do to earn Sabastion's mark back. It took 10,000 Favor the first time but now that's sure going to be hard to come up with. lol I don't need it to be sire I've passed the need for that up long ago but I do miss the way it looks on my profile. lol I know I'm silly but I'm happy that way.
Home Sweet Home20:38 Mar 08 2008
Times Read: 1,148
I am truly enjoying my visit to the Coven of Covert Correctitude, the people there are very friendly and intelligent and know how to have a good time too. lol No doubt Ade has something to do with that snippet.
But it is strange to not slide into the halls of Umbrae Octo and chat with the ladies and gents there. I have always enjoyed the people in UO and part of it is such vast differences in us that makes conversations so interesting. Add in that we all have quirky senses of humor and you can imagine the fun we have there.
So while I am having a wonderful time and happy that I went on furlough when the time comes to slip back into UO I will be very happy.
Anxious01:38 Mar 07 2008
Times Read: 1,166
I'm out of Umbrae Octo for a weekend visit to the Coven of Covert Correctitude. I really enjoy doing this sort of thing and the folks there are some of the best VR has to offer starting with Ade, the coven Master. He leads by example and it shows in the folks there.
But I must admit that even though Sabastion gave me permission to do it and promised to let me come back home Sunday night there is that small part of me that wonders if they will now bar the doors and thank heaven the nut case is gone. lol
I'm going to have a wonderful time I know it and will have lots to talk to my house mates about when I get back home.
Way Overdue!03:45 Mar 04 2008
Times Read: 1,192
Just recently I've went back through the rates I received especially when I first joined the site and before my profile was fixed any bit. So well over a year later I decided to send a message to those who rated me below a 6 and ask for a re-rate. I expected a few messages asking me if I was nuts or just rate crazy but I'm not about to change my user name especially just to up my rating and yes I know there are many other reasons for the change, I'm not judging you just saying how I feel about it for me.
But I received nothing but nice messages and even nicer ratings. Thanks everyone for coming over and having another look at it since I have redone it quite a bit lately.
Feelings19:34 Mar 01 2008
Times Read: 1,218
I feel like a whirling deverish out of control and not sure where or when I'll come to a stop. Fed by incoming winds from every direction no way to turn off the flow. I would love to have a switch I could throw to halt the flow if only for a little while. Calm eludes me at the moment and all I can do is go along for the ride.
*for my friends- I'm not upset or depressed actually just feeling strange*
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COMMENTS
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temporary2
01:10 Apr 01 2008
LadyChordewa
03:11 Apr 01 2008
KCRC
03:39 Apr 01 2008
Hang in there, it's all part of grieving. Cut yourself some slack, you've earned it.
Back when I lived in North Carolina there was an incident on I-40 outside Winston-Salem. Someone was driving in the left lane driving 50 in a 70 MPH zone. A long line of cars was in the right lane. A car came up behind the car in he left lane. It tailgated the slow car for several miles, flashing the high beams. Finally the driver in the car that wished to pass hit the bumper of the slow poke several times. He pulled over and let the faster car pass. Luckily a Police Officer saw the incident and pulled over the faster driver. They let him go with a warning, however, as the faster driver was Richard Petty! Only "The King" could get away with that.
I hope that story brought you a smile....The best part is that it's true!
Nightgame
12:58 Apr 01 2008
Thanks KCRC, yes it did give me a smile as I'm still a King fan. I'd have let him go too! *hugs*
Elemental
20:28 Apr 01 2008
No causing wrecks allowed but........if you wanted to stop him and beat on him a little......I would think between Rat and I we had the money to bail ya out. :) Course.....you could just gather with us and all three of us tie one on....:)